Michael was the oldest of four children and was often put in charge of taking care of his siblings. He often took out on his siblings his fear and rage at being abused by his parents. While some part of Michael didn’t want to be like his parents, this was all he knew.

As an adult, Michael struggles with his frequent anger at his wife and children. His wife threatened to leave him if he didn’t get some help, which is what led him to consult with me.

“Michael, anger is often used to cover up another, more painful feeling. What do you think you are covering up with your anger?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I just get so frustrated and then out comes the anger.”

“What did you feel as a child, besides scared, when your parents were angry and violent with you?”

“I guess I felt pretty much alone.”

“You must have felt very alone and uncared for and also helpless over what was happening.”

“Yes, I felt so helpless! I hated feeling so alone and helpless. It was so scary. I couldn’t wait to get bigger so I wouldn’t feel so helpless.”

“What triggers that helpless feeling now?”

“Humm…I guess it’s when my wife and kids don’t do what I want them to do or what I think they should do.”

“So rather than feel and accept your helplessness over them, which is the reality but is a difficult feeling to feel, you avoid feeling that old helplessness by trying to control them with your anger, just as your parents did. Is that right?”

“I guess so. I guess I try to control them rather than feel helpless. But why should I feel helpless? It’s an awful feeling.

“Michael, when you were a child, you were helpless over your parents brutality, and you were also helpless over yourself in many ways. You couldn’t just leave and go live with someone else. You couldn’t walk away without further punishment. However, today, while you are still helpless over others, you are not helpless over yourself. You can walk away from a situation that doesn’t feel good, or you can speak up for yourself. You can also explore difficulties with your family. You didn’t have any of these options as a child. But unless you accept your helplessness over others, you will try to control them, and anger is the way you’ve learned to do it. Anger is your automatic controlling, addictive response to protect against feeling that old helplessness. You will continue to be angry until you accept your helplessness over others – over what they choose to do and who they choose to be.”

Helplessness over others is a very hard feeling to accept. For many people, it feels like a life or death feeling, because as infants we were completely helpless and if no one came we would die. Some of us cried and cried and no one came and we felt helpless over living or dying. While today helplessness over others is not usually a life or death experience, the feeling can trigger our infant terror. Most people will do anything to avoid the feeling of helplessness, even though we are no longer helpless over ourselves. Yet until we accept our helplessness over others, we will try to control them, and anger is a major way many people have learned to attempt to control.

It took Michael time to learn how to take care of himself – how to embrace and accept his helpless feelings rather than ignore them or cover them up with anger. As he learned to take loving care of himself and his own feelings and needs, he became more accepting of other’s feelings and needs. As a result of accepting himself and others, and of learning to feel and manage his painful feelings, his need to control others gradually diminished.

In the course of working with me, Michael learned to access a personal source of spiritual guidance to help him not feel so alone and to know how to take loving care of himself. Michael found that when he was connected with his spiritual guidance, he was much less likely to act out in anger. He found he could manage his difficult feelings of aloneness and helplessness far more easily when he felt the love and support of Spirit.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now!

Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Are you easily distracted?

Most people cannot focus on a goal, without getting “side tracked.” When this cannot be helped, you can develop a new skill set, through meditation, self-hypnosis, or by learning not to give up. You can learn to meditate in a variety of ways. At my site, we have a course, but you can also find Yoga classes where meditation is taught. There are many good books and CD’s. A very good CD is Meditation Made Simple by John Daniels.

Picture it like this: Christopher Columbus truly had a one-dimensional personality; he was focused on finding an alternate route to Asia, to the point of being a poor “family man.” However, unlike most people, he stayed focused and never gave up.

Now you don’t have to give up everything in life to achieve a goal, but you have to focus on your goal, avoid giving up, getting depressed, and make up your mind to enjoy the journey. It is still wise to have a complete life by allowing time for your family and friends. If you stay on a straight course, you will be “ahead in the game,” but you will have to mentally focus on your end result, even in bad economic times.

Can you rationally separate good advice from bad?

You will hear many opinions – some will be constructive, and others will be useless. You will have to know the difference, by evaluating all advice without emotion, and with an open mind.

Is the ultimate reward worth the cost and sacrifice?

You should already know that you may invest time, money, work, or all three, to reach your ultimate goal. Envision yourself reaching your ultimate objective, and if it is worth all of the sacrifice, then you should move on to the next step.

Start moving forward now. If you didn’t write your goals down, evaluate them, and prioritize them, you should go back to part one again, to finish that assignment. Much similar to a business, you must have a written plan to move forward.

Just don’t worry about getting it perfect. None of us ever do, and your plans will change as you go. In fact, life is adapting to a constantly changing universe. Most of us cannot accurately predict the cycles of the economy. We design a plan and prepare to turn on a dime, if necessary. Everything in life is subject to change and all of us have to accept it.

Realizing this, you now proceed with caution toward your short-term goals.
Once you have designed your plan, there is no need to “wait until next year.”

Put your plan into action and take one forward step at a time. This one step is the biggest of all your steps, and your commitment to succeed is your “guiding light.”

Now, what were the “hidden treasures” you found in part two? The answer is focus, commitment, and acceptance. You already have them; all you need to do is get the most out of what you already have.

Paul Jerard, is a co-owner and the director of Yoga teacher training at: Aura Wellness Center, in North Providence, RI. He has been a certified Master Yoga teacher since 1995. He is a master instructor of martial arts, with multiple Black Belts, four martial arts teaching credentials, and was recently inducted into the USA Martial Arts Hall of Fame. He teaches Yoga, martial arts, and fitness to children, adults, and seniors in the greater Providence area. Recently he wrote: Is Running a Yoga Business Right for You? For Yoga students, who may be considering a new career as a Yoga teacher.

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